Coherent Rambling

Feeling Different These Days...

Kimber24 — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:00:51 GMT

Most of you who know me on this site know that I am not a real serious person. I don’t tend to dwell on things or take myself or others too seriously. In fact, in a tense situation, I’m the one cracking an inappropriate joke or trying to put a smile on the face of someone who is upset or in pain. But lately, I feel different.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. She left behind three children, nine grandchildren, and nine great grandchildren. Because my mom was such a mess, I had to help her and my aunt and uncle pick out funeral clothes, the casket, the flowers, etc. – all things for which I was not prepared and that I never in a million years thought I would have to do. I watched as all of my relatives, once distanced by our own lives and new families, came together in my grandmother’s house. For the first time since I was very little, we were a family again – we laughed together, ate together, and grieved together. We all had our own fond memories of our childhood with my grandmother. I realized how lucky we all were to have those memories because not everyone has been blessed with having such a wonderful person in their life.

Since the week of my grandmother’s passing, I have become a person that I am just not familiar with. I find myself crying a lot, often times just at the simple thought that my children will never know my grandmother. I had never contemplated having children at any point in the immediate future, but now I find myself thinking about how much I want my children to have the honor of getting to know my own mother and having as much time with her as possible.

So, I cry. A lot. And I sit with mixed feelings about having a successful career and the amazing childhood that was given to me. Having been married and divorced, I considered myself lucky for not having had children young, but now that I am with a man who I truly feel is the love of my life, I find myself thinking about something more. Which is so unlike me that it’s scary. Maybe I’m just going through a little bout of depression, or maybe I’m just facing the facts of reality. It’s hard to determine. But what I do know is that I’m different. Whether it’s for better or worse only time will tell.

What's Your Toilet Story??

Kimber24 — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:04:43 GMT

I was reading the New York Times today and saw this article.

Apparently American Standard is having a contest for the best toilet story. This, in my opinion, is extremely enjoyable because it caused me to think about what might be my very best toilet “incident.” Everyone who knows me is well aware that this is one of my favorite topics of conversation.

For me, the only one that came to mind was the most recent occurrence, i.e., the day that I returned from vacation in Mexico. Something about traveling does not mesh well with my internal organs, so for 5 days I was bound up and could not muster up a good poop. Fast forward to my 2.5 hour drive up to my parents house to pick up my dogs. It was late in the evening after a 4-hour flight, so I stopped at Wawa for a large coffee. Needless to say, I came to later find out that this was a big mistake.

Approximately four minutes after I passed the last rest stop on the turnpike, “it” arrived. That feeling. You know the one I’m talking about. There was a monster inside me. I felt like that guy in the movie Spaceballs who had the little alien burst out of his insides with a top hat and cane, singing “hello by baby, hello my darling” and proceeded to march his way down the bar. Anyway, I was in big trouble. I still had about an hour and a half until I was at my parents’ house. I knew I wasn’t going to make it that long, but what I didn’t realize was that I was going to barely make it to the next exit.

Well, I did make it by, like, a millisecond. And that toilet saw something I’d venture it has never seen before and just may never see again. That, my friends, is my toilet story. And it was a double flusher.

A Little Biology Lessen

Kimber24 — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:17:44 GMT

A little something for those of you who were wondering how my day was going. Please see above. Thank you and good night.

For the love of a Sphincter

Kimber24 — Thu, 28 May 2009 04:45:50 GMT

Dear Jesus:

Please do your best to help me hold in my farts for the rest of the evening. Tonight is my first night at that new yoga place, and well, you remember what happened last time. Just get me through those 90 minutes for everyone's sake. Thanks for your consideration.

Regards,

Kimber

I'm In Love With HipChick's Namesake.

Kimber24 — Fri, 22 May 2009 22:09:45 GMT

Dear Coach Ali Metallic Hobo Bag:

You don't know me, but I am your future lover. You see, this morning I opened my email and there you were. Brand new, flaunting your delicously supple leather...I was smitten the second our eyes met. The slightly industrial nature of the chains dangling delicately from your smooth curves gave me that funny feeling inside. I yearn for you.

Despite the fact that I know how good of a team you and I would make together, I think we both know that I will never have you. At close to $650 it pains me to think that you will never be mine. Perhaps if I decided to forego food for the next few months, there might be a possibility of our union happening someday. I am on a diet afterall... Just know that I love you and will be longing for that moment when we can finally share our life together. Until, of course, the next sexy, high-priced whore of a bag comes along that tickles my fancy.

Until then,

Kimber

I've Got a Penis in My Pocket

Kimber24 — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:48:59 GMT

HORNY SEXY PENIS! Ok, now that I’ve got your attention… I actually have a very serious question pertaining to that very topic. Well, kind of.

My employer has been working my balls off to the point where I come home from work, give the pups a quick pat on the way in the door, pour myself a GIGANTIC glass of wine and head upstairs to the bedroom so I can fall unconscious before the glass is empty.

Here’s my question… how the hell do you ladies muster up the energy for a good and healthy sex life? I know there are those of you out there who have a demanding job and a loving significant other who you want to keep happy sexually… and DAMN I like sex and would like to get my rocks off too… but lately it seems my pillow and blanket are way more appealing than the “effort” it would require for said rocks to be offed. It's actually depressing.

I want all of you to look deep inside (pun intended) for any advice you might have for a young lady such as myself to help keep the fire alive and not succumb to the drudgery of “married lady” syndrome. I want to have some crazy ceiling fan sex every night, but, alas, I’m exhausted and (insert whatever the next excuse is here)… How do we as women do our part to keep it alive?? Or at the very least… to keep my boyfriend from living in a perpetual state of blue balls.

Discuss.

Your Kid is an Asshole... and I'm not afraid to say it.

Kimber24 — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:37:55 GMT

It’s true. I will take it upon myself to yell at other people’s children. I’m not scared to say it… I will neither condone nor enable bad behavior and/or bad parenting, and I will tell you when your kid is acting like an asshole. Or when you are being a shitty parent. So deal with it.

My boyfriend and I were at Chucky Cheese last week with his 10-year-old son. I (shocker) am not really a big fan of children in general, but, quite frankly, I consider myself pretty lucky in the step-kid situation. Devin is amazingly well-behaved and I am perfectly willing to go out in public to do fun things. However, it completely BLOWS MY MIND how children can be complete ANIMALS, and, to make matters worse, their parents ALLOW them to act that way.

This was the situation presenting itself at Chucky Cheese. 500 raving lunatic children with approximately 4 parents supervising the flock, and they were running wild. Hopped up on sugar and caffeine, these children were a force to be reckoned with. These kids were never taught how to take turns, share, or act like quasi-humans in public. It blew my mind. But I literally almost had a melt-down when a little boy came trotting over (sans parent anywhere in sight) and tried to STEAL Devin’s tickets that were coming out of the game that he was playing WHILE HE WAS PLAYING IT. Reflexively, I grabbed the little bastard’s arm (with OUR tickets still being clutched in his filthy little unsupervised hand) and said “THESE ARE NOT YOURS…. LET GO OF THEM”… he simply looked at me with this “Fuck you” kind of face and then obeyed. He let go of the tickets and ran away to annoy some other child playing on a racing game. Ugh.

Who finds it appropriate to just drop your kid off at Chucky Cheese and then peace out? I don’t have any kids of my own, but I was NEVER allowed to go ANYWHERE by myself growing up, and if my parents even got WIND that I was acting like a douchebag they would certainly give me something to cry about. So yes, I will yell at your kid. And, if applicable, I will tell you when your parenting skills suck. If that offends you… go screw. I’m sick of dealing with your shitty kids. For those of you who are sensitive to my plight… You’re welcome.

SHOW YOURSELF!!

Kimber24 — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 23:52:49 GMT

The one thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE about moving to a new neighborhood is discovering the host of new “characters” that surface once you really start paying attention. This is my FAVORITE thing about living in the city, and my boyfriend and I love to observe and name the members of our new “Cast”. Let me explain…

In my old neighborhood, which was still technically in the city of Philadelphia, I had several frequent flyers that I enjoyed, but at the top of my list were the twins. The twins were two glorious women, age 87, who were twin sisters and looked and dressed the same. They went for walks every day down the same street to go shopping at the same store. The twins were absolutely ADORABLE and every time I saw them walking, arm-in-arm and dressed in unison, I’d shout “OOOOHHHHH, there’s the TWINS!!!”… They would both wave. I enjoyed this interaction.

Alas, my new neighborhood in the suburbs does indeed have a cast of characters all of its own, albeit not quite so pleasant. Instead of simply having some good “passerby” characters, I’ve found that my attention has been focused lately on a completely different medium – two jackasses who have turned their cars into something even more ridiculous than I could ever imagine. And I don’t like em’. Not one bit.

Jackass #1 drives around in a black hoopty with two gargantuan megaphone-esque speakers perched on top of his shitball of a car. You might be thinking to yourself – self, is this one of those jerks who blast their crapfest music to the displeasure of all others within a 10 mile radius. Well, my friend, if that is what you were thinking, it is with great displeasure that I tell you it is much worse. Much worse indeed. This fucking psychopath drives down the road with a microphone, and (WHILE DRIVING), reads passages from the FUCKING BIBLE and broadcasts it for the world to enjoy! I don’t think there is anything more that needs to be said about this freak show.

The other notable observation which I’ve actually started to get a kick out of is the 1983 Cadillac Eldorado that is driven by a 400 year old (albeit adorable) man who barely can see over the gigantic steering wheel. The thing that makes this guy a jackass (yes, still a jackass) is that he has painted his caddy Philly Eagle green and has Eagle decals, Eagle flags, and chrome pipes attached to every surface that you can possibly attach something tacky and ugly to… and he has succeeded. At the very least, he is noticeable.

WHERE ARE ALL MY INTERESTING PEOPLE?? Do they not exist in this new place?? To my displeasure, I have not found any passersby who are even REMOTELY notable. I suppose that the weather is just starting to get nice and they are bound to start showing up, but I cannot WAIT until they start arriving. I NEED my little fantasy world of crazies to enjoy!!! And all I get are two jackasses who dress up their dumb fucking cars and annoy everyone. That’s real great. I thought that was what my taxes paid for…

Doggie Needs A Bone

Kimber24 — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:42:05 GMT

Ok, so this might sound like an odd request, but I'm in the market for a great recipe for making homemade dog treats. I got roped into (ok, I volunteered) doing a fund-raiser thingy for an animal rescue group in my neighborhood and I want to make some awesome treats to sell at our next event. Does anyone have a good recipe that they're willing to offer up? I know there are like, a bazillion on the internet, but a lot of them are not biscuit-like treats and seem to involve a lot of nonsense. Anyone have any suggestions??

Loser McLoserpants

Kimber24 — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 01:16:13 GMT

So I finally made the last payment on the stolen GPS and am starting to save up some extra money and really feel like now is the time to get out of my winter funk. Since the weather has started warming up a bit (er, well, sort of), I decided to take a quick peek at my planner to figure out what sorts of fun/amazing/exciting things I had scheduled for the upcoming weeks. The result of this little endeavor made me realize something quite disturbing… i.e., that I’ve turned into a loser.

Yes, ladies (and gentlemen, if applicable), I am a loser with a capital “L” and have nothing fun to do, have not done anything fun, and do not expect to have anything fun to do anytime soon. My planner is currently chock-full of work-related meetings, deadlines, and conferences, but the personal me-time portion of the schedule is sitting in a pile of dust with the random stray tumbleweed floating on by. How can it be that my life has come to this?

This little epiphany took me completely by surprise. Hell, I LIKE going out, and I even HAVE friends who ROUTINELY invite me out to do fun things. But what happens? I’m either working, too busy, too tired, or too whatever to gather up the once automatic enthusiasm needed to follow through. It seems completely absurd to me that my life has come to this. I mean, I’m SINGLE for Christ sake (ok, well I have a boyfriend but he likes going out too), I have no kids, and I’m only 28!! What the hell is stopping me?

Your guess is as good as mine, but as of right now (yes, right this very second), I am now completely motivated to get out of my [work – home – repeat] life-cycle rut. And yes, I know I’ve vowed to myself a million times to get on top of this situation, but this time I really mean it. My cell phone is coming out… I’m going to dial the numbers. Plans will be made. I will NOT be a loser anymore. I need to have a life outside of my office and the four walls of my house. Hell, my boyfriend ESPECIALLY needs a break from me because (-yet another realization-) I am a PAIN IN THE ASS. Always tired, always complaining… maybe if I got out and actually had some FUN, I wouldn’t hate everyone and everything all the time. This is my plan. I’m going to write it down in my calendar now.