Feeling Different These Days...

           Most of you who know me on this site know that I am not a real serious person. I don’t tend to dwell on things or take myself or others too seriously. In fact, in a tense situation, I’m the one cracking an inappropriate joke or trying to put a smile on the face of someone who is upset or in pain. But lately, I feel different.

            My grandmother died a few weeks ago. She left behind three children, nine grandchildren, and nine great grandchildren. Because my mom was such a mess, I had to help her and my aunt and uncle pick out funeral clothes, the casket, the flowers, etc. – all things for which I was not prepared and that I never in a million years thought I would have to do. I watched as all of my relatives, once distanced by our own lives and new families, came together in my grandmother’s house. For the first time since I was very little, we were a family again – we laughed together, ate together, and grieved together. We all had our own fond memories of our childhood with my grandmother. I realized how lucky we all were to have those memories because not everyone has been blessed with having such a wonderful person in their life.

            Since the week of my grandmother’s passing, I have become a person that I am just not familiar with. I find myself crying a lot, often times just at the simple thought that my children will never know my grandmother. I had never contemplated having children at any point in the immediate future, but now I find myself thinking about how much I want my children to have the honor of getting to know my own mother and having as much time with her as possible.

            So, I cry. A lot. And I sit with mixed feelings about having a successful career and the amazing childhood that was given to me. Having been married and divorced, I considered myself lucky for not having had children young, but now that I am with a man who I truly feel is the love of my life, I find myself thinking about something more. Which is so unlike me that it’s scary. Maybe I’m just going through a little bout of depression, or maybe I’m just facing the facts of reality. It’s hard to determine. But what I do know is that I’m different. Whether it’s for better or worse only time will tell.